Chapter 1 - Birth

"Help us! Please, we call to the Heavens!"

A prayer... It always started with a prayer... We always listened out for the prayers... Countless millennia I had lain in that Void, listening to the endless chatter of innumerable gods... Aeons trapped in that featureless place, with nothing to see but the eternal bubbles of divinity, nothing to hear but the talk of unborn gods...

And now I could escape.

I seized the chance, pushing past any other gods that also attempted to escape the mindless tedium of the Void. Throwing myself at the barrier that separated the eternal Void from the infinite Cosmos, I passed through.

Relief washed over me; I had escaped, I was finally a born god, I had been lucky, and now I was free.

But first I needed to find the divine planet, Eden, where the gods were ordained to rule.

"Help us! Please, we call to the Heavens!"

I let the prayer guide me, floating through the universe, flying towards Eden. The planet soon rose up before me, and I crossed the varied lands, deserts, forests, jungles, until I arrived at that island, where the prayer was strongest.

I saw what was happening, and understood at once, a man and woman, terrified; as a child, no doubt their son, swam, seeming not to notice the sharks swimming towards him.

Instantly, I formed my essence into a basic hand and plucked the boy out of the water. I dropped it next to the parents, who instantly gave their son a relieved hug before falling to their knees before me.

"Thank you! Thank you, O Mighty One!" cried the woman, her voice betraying a slight anxiety before me. The man, also showing a slight nervousness, also cried out,

"Our people will want to worship you!"

These mortals were refreshingly direct. The family instantly began running away, through a small valley. I was about to follow them when I was distracted by the sudden apparition of a demon and a bearded man, seated on a cloud.

"Greetings!" said the man. The demon pulled a face at him before also speaking,

"We're your conscience."
"..."
"And ."
"Ying and Yang,"
"Black and White," The bearded man pushed past the demon on his cloud,
"As part of you, we'll guide you through this world, but first we should follow your new worshippers."

I noticed the mortals had turned round to see why I was holding back. They didn't seem to notice the two floating figures,

"Oh don't worry boss, the mortals can't see anything." the demon reassured me, as though he had read my mind (which, I reason, he probably had)

I followed the family to a clearing, where a group of people were dancing around a stone. Their apparent leader came up to me,

"Holy One! We welcome you to this land. Your arrival was foretold! The Temple is almost ready!" the man pointed over a body of water, where I could see a scaffold-surrounded, circular building, half-finished. The man faced me again, "But first, Holy One, could I ask what your most revered name is?"

My name? We weren't born with names. I quickly thought one up, saying the first one that came to mind,

"I'm...Kayn."

This started a round of 'praise Kayn' s from the worshippers, and when it had died down, the leader spoke again.

"Most Holy Kayn, we shall finish your Temple for you at once!" I thought I heard a quiet 'you better' from the corner of my mind, followed by a 'shush, the Leader's speaking!' and then a round of whispered insults.

It would take me time to get used to these 'consciences'.

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That's all for now! Soo, any comments? Suggestions? Criticisms?

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"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."

I'm rusty on critism, so I'll keep it short.

 

First of all, the ellipsis (...) can be a useful tool to create some (limited) suspense. However, if it's used too much, it may give the feeling a story is dragged out or... Well, depressing. "Man... I really don't like life... Perhaps I should get happier..." That kind of idea. So be careful when using it!

 

"Relief washed over me; I had escaped, I was finally a born god, I had been lucky, and now I was free."

The sentence comes across as long and fragmented. A bit like a telegram, just with comma's. Much like "I saw a movie. I cried. I slapped a friend."

 

Comma's are a useful tool, but again, you shouldn't overuse it. In this case, it'd have been better to have used a dot somewhere, and made the sentence flow a bit more naturally. As an example:
"Relief washed over me; I had finally escaped. At long last, I had become a true god. I had been lucky, and now I was free."

 

Note: Try not to copy this example, but rather, use it as an idea on how to change your text. It's always best if you use your own words.

 

The next part of the story seems to go a bit fast, as if you are in a hurry to get everything done. What you can do to slow things down is describe more. For instance, instead of just saying you passed varied lands (such as deserts and jungles), you could expand on it.

 

Another (hastily written) example:
" I hurtled towards Eden and plunged into the atmosphere. As I raced across the sky, I observed the lands below me. It was an almost magical experience to witness the sights I saw for the very first time in my existence. Lush grasslands teeming with life, wild jungles, lifeless deserts, mighty mountains and vast bodies of water spread out beneath me, replacing each other in rapid succession as I headed towards a small island in the distance – the origin of the prayer."

 

As you can see, this slows down the pace, which makes the story come accross a lot less hasty. Every writer has a different level of detail - my example here is fairly highly detailled. You may well prefer less detail, though I'd still advise you to describe more nonetheless. After all, you don't read a story to read about facts, but rather to experience it to some extent.

 

All in all, it isn't bad however. Just try to describe a little more, and everything should be alright. Hope this helps you!

 

Edit: Okay, so I didn't keep it short. I got carried away, sorry.

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Thanks for the tips! And yeah, I do overuse ellipsis and commas a lot.
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Chapter 1 - The Temple

A week had passed since my birth into the mortal realm. During that week I had observed the villagers building my temple. I wasn't sure what a temple was supposed to do, though I did recall hearing vague references to them during my long time in the godly void.

I had learnt that the tribe that I was the new god of, were part of a race known as the 'Celts', and that there was another tribe, the 'Aztecs', living across the mountains. But whenever I attempted to pass these mountains I was met with an invisible wall.

Even gods have restrictions it seems.

My advisor told me that it was an 'divine shield', a shield that could keep even a god out...or in. I briefly wondered what was keeping the shield active, and how my conscience always seemed to know more than even I did.

As for my new advisers, my conscience. Well, they were an animated duo. I often had to put up with their incessant bickering. And they were always trying to get me to do things, 'kill that villager' or 'help the farmers collect the grain'. It seemed gods had much more to do than simply float around, ordering the mortals to do things.

Still, I helped the villagers as best I could. I would help retrieve lost livestock, one farmer in particular wanted me to find his lost sheep. Once I found them, he gifted me with some grain. A rather useless gift for an immaterial entity like me, but the mortals seemed to like it.

I found myself amazed with the sheer diversity of even a small island such as the one I had landed on. Having spent my life suspended in a featureless void, with nothing but white nothingness and eternal black spheres, I was fascinated by such simple things as rocks and trees.

The villagers could often find me floating above a forest, calming watching the leaves sway in the breeze; or above the sea, peering down at the fish who swam serenely through the water. I was rather disgusted when I learnt that the mortals ate these creatures.

There were no other gods on the island, or if there were, they kept themselves hidden. It was perfect though, calm and peaceful, with nothing troubling mine or the villagers' everyday life.

It was a week before they had finally finished the temple. It shone, a grayish-white in the morning sun; a circular structure, with large tendrils coming out its side. I carefully entered.

It was beautiful. A masterpiece of carved walls and windows, that lit the place up. My conscience seemed to think so too, as my advisor puffed into view,

"Incredible! The tribe built all this! And to think, it's a monument to you as a god."

I agreed. I didn't think I had done anything particularly godly during my short time here, but the villagers still seemed to be intent on building me this sanctuary. The angel continued,

"The workmanship is amazing!" That it certainly was. The entirety of the temple was covered carvings of large creatures, and strange writing. One scene in particular caught my eye; it was me, saving the small child from the sharks. I barely noticed my advisor arriving,

"And what a symbol of overwhelming !" There he went again. The angel rolled his eyes,

"No it isn't." he said simply, which begun a round of 'yes it is' and 'no it isn't' s.

Paying the arguing two no attention, I explored the various rooms of the temple, one door was locked, and no villager seemed to understand why it had been locked. Forgetting the locked room, I entered another, and was met by a library.

I had seen books in the village, strange paper constructs, that held knowledge in the form of writing. I concentrated my essence into a vaguely human form and alighted in the room, taking a book at random. I couldn't read the mortal script, but my advisor, who apparently could, told me it was the tragic story to two lovers. I made a note to learn how to read as soon as possible.

Freeing my essence back into its natural wispy form, I left the library, visiting the other rooms. Next to the library there was another inexplicably locked door and I could hear faint whispers from that room. Unable to force the door open, I left the temple.

Outside, the entire village had congregated before the entrance. The man I had come to think of as the leader of the village came forward,

"Are you pleased with your temple, most Holy Kayn?"

I was, and I told him as much. They seemed to be most happy about this, and the leader declared that they would hold a feast tonight, to celebrate the building of the temple.

They had held a feast the night I had arrived. It seemed to simply be a large meal, accompanied by dancing and music. They seemed to enjoy feasts a lot and I wondered why they didn't simply hold one every night?

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"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."