in
Welcome to Lionhead Community Sign in to Windows Live ID | Help

Once Apon A Time...

Last post 02-01-2010, 13:27 by Mortalitis_Infinitas. 20 replies.
Sort Posts: Previous Next
  •  05-23-2008, 21:28 2924218

    Once Apon A Time...

    This is a short story, its nothing official, just something I just wrote as I was very bored, I apologise if its not funny, but I laughed at it, perhaps my blood sugar is abit low. Ick! [+o(]

    Once Upon A Time

    There was a E v i l [Evil] dude that got really horney at this princess chick, so he kidnapped her and put her in a room in a ridiculously tall tower where no living soul could possibly get to.

    After many centuries everybody in the world has somehow forgotten about the tower even though its in their town, and the princess that was kidnapped.

    One day some random knight arrives from a far away kingdom to rescue the princess, I don’t know how he knows about the princess because know one else knows. Anywho he arrives in town and jumps off his white horse by the way he is wearing really silver and shiny armour, he draws his sword and runs to the tower, at this point the knight has forgotten about his horse, so he runs a few miles to the tower.

    When he arrives at the base, the princess shouts down “Oh my Gallant knight has come to save me!” lord knows how she knew about the knight, after all she is in a really tall tower with no human contact. The E v i l [Evil] dude hears the woman shouting so he goes and checks out his window, he sees a gallant knight.

    The E v i l [Evil] dude shouts down “You’ll never get up here lol!”the E v i l [Evil] dude then ignores the knight and goes back to his unknown daily duties. The gallant knight totally ignores the E v i l [Evil] dude and shouts back at the princess “Don’t worry I’ll rescue you somehow, I just need some rope”

    The princess throws rope down outside the castle, the gallant knight looks at the rope, then thinking and most likely knowing that the princess is blonde she forgot to tie it to something in her room.

    The gallant knight sighs deeply at her stupidity, then gets an idea, the gallant knight runs to the tower and knocks on it, a door appears, the E v i l [Evil] dude shouts out “hey no knights can enter there that’s for my mail!” the E v i l [Evil] dude becomes more angry and frustrated. The knight lols and opens the door.

    “I’m going to kill you E v i l [Evil] dude and take back the princess!” the knight shouted up the endless stairs, “rotfl its echoing that’s cool” shouted the E v i l [Evil] dude down the stairs, the knight ignored the E v i l [Evil] dudes noob language and began running up the stairs.

    One year later….

    The knight reaches the top of the stairs, and confronts the E v i l [Evil] dude, besides not eating or sleeping or performing any other human functions for a year, he goes on to fight the E v i l [Evil] dude.

    The E v i l [Evil] dude pulls out a gun and aims at the knight, the knight curses aloud “sh*t!” and the E v i l [Evil] guy laughs then shoots his gun, the bullet goes for the knight but the G o o d [Good] dude activates slow time spell and kicks E v i l [Evil] dudes @$$.

    After a short battle, the hero goes to leave, but then remembers about that chick he’s gotta rescue. He breaks into the princess' room to find a really old ugly hairy grandma type looking woman the knight is scared by the grotesque thing he has to save.

    It’s a G o o d [Good] thing I have a helmet on to hide my fear from this dude thought the knight. The princess runs at the knight and near breaks his back while landing in his arms. The princess goes in for a kiss, the knight pulls back.

    “Don’t you want to kiss your damsel in distress?” asks the princess, “I would but I think you’re a dude at least you look like one” says the gallant knight. “What do you expect silly, I’ve been in this tower for 50 years hehehe”

    The knight drops the fat b*tch on her @$$, and runs down the stairs back to his king and home”

    The End

    So kids when a girl is trapped in a tower for 50 years don’t expect a hottie, expect a fatty. Life’s cruel, it can’t always be a fairy tale.

    -------

    If you can't read the font I'm sorry but it doesn't really work in a normal font. Stick out tongue [:P]

    Hermit




  •  05-23-2008, 22:03 2924233 in reply to 2924218

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    AWESOME! This is grade-A work MASTERPIECE, MUCH LOVE, MUCH CRUELNESS, all truth. This deserves an award. Im serious
    [CENTER][IMG]http://www.wizards.com/magic/images/whatcolor_isblue.jpg[/IMG
  •  05-23-2008, 22:28 2924244 in reply to 2924233

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Thanks Laugh [:laugh:]

    E v i l [Evil] dude:

    "you'll never get up here lol"

    That part cracks me up ^  Big Smile [:D]

    I'd love everyones thoughts, and since its not a serious fiction... please no complaints on the story I worked hard on this. Sad [:(]

    Hermit




  •  05-24-2008, 1:43 2924313 in reply to 2924244

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Its got a sence of Humour, yet I hardly cracked up (wasn't as funny as you made me think it was)
    Your story did not bore me which is G o o d [Good] because lots of fanfiction does. Its G o o d [Good] short story overall.

    I would rate it 7/10 (7 out of 10)

    Keep it up

    [ img]http://www.evcitadel.com/community/gallery/1304_13_08_09_3_12_53.png[/img]
  •  05-24-2008, 8:49 2924494 in reply to 2924313

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Sorry if the story was to mindblowing for you. Classic [:classic:]

    I know you loved it. Paranoid [:aranoid:]

    Thanks for reading Smily [:)]

    Hermit




  •  05-25-2008, 21:32 2925403 in reply to 2924218

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    That was so amazing I slit my wrists

  •  05-26-2008, 8:43 2925787 in reply to 2924218

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    This is really G o o d [Good].  Managed to make me laugh.  However I had trouble making sense of one line:

    “hey no knights can enter there that’s for my mail!”
    After a while I realised that all it needed was a full stop or some way to end the sentence.

    "Hey no knights can enter there!  That's for my mail!"

    Looking forward to seeing you finish more of your work.
  •  05-27-2008, 8:49 2926565 in reply to 2925787

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    So one major error, for something I posted at near 2am with not sleeping for a few days, hmmm.... not bad. Thanks for the feedback Existance. Smily [:)]

    I shoyuld have a new short story up soon, working on a new idea at the mo.

    Hermit




  •  05-28-2008, 2:03 2927171 in reply to 2926565

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    i laughed when the knight forgot his horse and ran for a few miles, that was original lol
    "I see!" says the blind man peeing into the wind... "It's all coming back to me..."
  •  05-31-2008, 22:30 2929789 in reply to 2926565

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    HERMIT!!!!!!!!!
    IM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    also i loved your story


    Go to this place, I heard its Really cool.
    http://www1.freewebs.com/ihuntreindeeryay/
  •  06-01-2008, 16:21 2930284 in reply to 2929789

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Interesting, very interesting. I love it though, pretty funny and I love the whole use of IM language Stick out tongue [:P]

    I do hope you're still writing serious stuff though Hermit Smily [:)]

    It would appear as though our small community of storytellers (at least it was when I left Big Smile [:D]) have started some kind of trend.

  •  06-01-2008, 17:36 2930325 in reply to 2930284

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Always!

    I started that trend. Stick out tongue [:P] Zip it! [:#]

    I am writing serious stuff to. But I may take a break for awhile, recently i've wrote hero for a day which centres around a hobbe, desperate essence which centres around the hero in a state of depression, this story, and night of the romancer which centres around basset and a prostitude, oh and a story on the legend saliek. Big Smile [:D]

    Nice to see some old faces, it shames me to think I'm the only oldbie of this board. We need some active writers. Rolleyes [:rolleyes:]




  •  10-23-2008, 11:20 3153411 in reply to 2930325

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Hahaha! Very quirky, Hermit. Write more mindless random stuff!

  •  02-04-2009, 13:28 3299061 in reply to 2924218

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Just what I needed to brighten my sparkling day. Stick out tongue [:P]  So very funny,never expected the ending.Wink [;)] Thanks for the funny story.

  •  05-13-2009, 19:48 3346717 in reply to 3299061

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Once Upon A Time~ Part Two~ Finding A Happily Ever after

    Having not found his happily ever after; when attempting a daring rescue to what he thought to be a beautiful princess the Knight eventually walked out of the Spire, past E v i l [Evil] Dude. And back into the town, where he’d discovered townsfolk 1337ly rotfl at him. He walked past them while vengefully treading on some of them, he strolled over to the coach house wanting to gain leave of this dread awful village, which didn’t seem to have a name.

    He arrived over at the horse master of the coach house, the Driver was quick to the draw of a question everyone wanted to ask.

    G o o d [Good] lord, why do you seek passage Knight?” asked the Driver.

    “My horse ran away.” snorted the Knight.

    ……. The Driver looked at him clearly thinking the Knight was trying to mock him.

    “I don’t find that the least bit funny, now please leave my staples and ride your own horse sir.” spat the Driver while turning and walking away from the Knight.

    The Knight reacted in a weary face-palm, slightly shaking his head. He looked over and seen the Driver speaking to some locals this was followed by further lols directed at him.

    The silver helmet upon the Knight began to leak, the great lords shoulders slumped he dragged his feet back over and sat in the coach, getting a purse of gold out for the Driver. The carriage’s doors were shut, and the horses were signalled to go.

    The Knight dropped back into a uncomfortable wooden seat. He threw his arms about wondering where in Light’s name his cushion could be. While standing up a passenger spoke to him.

    “Oh how cute, you look adorable dear, are you going to a fancy dress party?” spoke a elderly woman with such innocence on her face. The Knights visor glared a bloody red as he came to meet her with a witty retort a prostitute to his left let loose a foul break of wind.

    This raised the Knights borders to breaking point, he sat back down and began to look out the window for hopes of a swift journey to Bowerstone market.

    ~Some Time Later~

    “Final stop, Bowerstone!” announced the Driver.

    “At last! Open the door!” cried the Knight in a high-pitched squeak while scratching at the door.

    “Hold on my man, ladies before broke knights, eh.” jested the Driver while opening the other side for the old woman. The Knight jumped ahead, and knocked the old woman back in her seat, when a child stood up.

    “No let go my cape! Brat, off I say!” wept the Knight, while tugging at his cape from the child’s grip, the child lolled at the Knight. The Knight dashed away from the coach house to the town centre happy to be free from the unwanted companions of the carriage. He walked past the various food stalls avoiding the witless npcs.

    When then the Knight had finally arrived to the market place, only to be greeted by a mass gathering of obnoxious orbs asking him for gold and peanuts, this disturbed him deeply. The Knight walked on past the greedy unworldly orbs and onto the tavern.

    “The Cow & Corset? How absurd.” giggled the Knight, whom stopped the childishness at the sight of a young lad looking up at him in a somewhat mixture of awe and amusement.

    “Err…. Be G o o d [Good]… and Jack wont eat you.” threatened the Knight to the small boy.

    “Who?” wondered the child.

    “Bah kids today.” mumbled the Knight while jogging to Fairfax Gardens. Quite a sight this was to the townsfolk, a Knight jogging down a street, the lord stopped near a gate to pet a dog, the mutt responded with playing dead, not wanting to talk to the silly silver man.

    His visor glared a angry red, he ignored the dogs antics and came up to the gardens. “To the king of Albion!” He declared while performing a nice heroic pose.

    He failed to achieve the pose receiving a lump of dirt from a diggers spade. He yelped in disgust and moved away from the dig site. He quickly removed his cape and walked over to the fountain looking around in hoping no one saw his ridiculous entrance, as he sat down he began wiping away the dirt. He placed himself on the marble rim of the fountain and fell into deep thought thinking lovingly of where his dear horse could be.

    --------

    I was bored and had five minutes, so I thought I'd continue one of my favorite characters tales. It's not as stupid, as I wasn't delirious from lack of sleep this time round.

    Hope you still like.

    Hermit




  •  05-15-2009, 16:26 3349203 in reply to 3346717

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Hehe great story geez, made me larf! Stick out tongue [:P]
  •  05-16-2009, 1:38 3349523 in reply to 3346717

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    That has got to be the strangest Knight, I have ever heard of. Really funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh.Smily [:)]

  •  07-01-2009, 11:34 3370151 in reply to 3349523

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Deep in the dark bowels of the Bowerstone castle laid the old king, Dave. Who incidentally had Dementia. Dave was roaring at his kitchen staff and threatening the waiter at sword point for not giving him enough Salsa with his odd foreign meal that looked a bit too much like Balverine testicle’s, which apparently to the King’s word is a delicacy in Snowspire, a very cold country which decided to eat dE v i l [Evil]ishly hot food which took edge off blue toes and on to red bums.

    Our ever so not so lucky charming Knight was caught up in all of this kitchen terror while waiting to speak to the King. The Knight passed his time by playing rock paper scissors with the house pet Gretch the Hobbe.

    Gretch had been a pet of Dave for some ten years now, he first received him on his fortieth birthday. The Hobbe had a strange wound or extra natural appendage as the King always told. This had seemed to had made the Hobbe docile. Although nobody knew how he had survived this arrow to the head, or developed this extra natural appendage, they dared not remove it either, so the little Hobbe was free to run around the castle with an arrow in his head, often injuring the staff as he run into them.

    ----------

    Just a small piece not sure if its as G o o d [Good] as the rest, but none of it is really that consistant. The first part written as a standalone was done at 3am with roughly 3sleeples nights behind me. afraid [:afraid:]

    Second part was just a bunch of things I thought up that were quirky about fable 2. And now I think I'll just re-write it, but I'm not entirely sure as it may ruin the first parts style. Bored [:bored:]

    Anywho I'll write something prober soon.

    Hermit




  •  07-02-2009, 5:04 3370446 in reply to 3370151

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Loving it. Big Smile [:D] Hilariously funny. Laugh [:laugh:]Keep it up! Smily [:)]
    If I fall will you promise to catch me?
    If I cry will you promise to hold me?
    If I love you will you promise to never break my heart?
  •  01-30-2010, 13:15 3429141 in reply to 3370446

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    Thank you faerie, been speaking about this on another forum (project ego) and I'm rebooting this story, so this is me asking for attention........ again. Paranoid [:aranoid:]

    And wondering if anyone would be interested by a re-write? It will be funnier, and have a flowing all together story but the main aim is a comedy.

    Hermit




  •  02-01-2010, 13:27 3429619 in reply to 3429141

    Re: Once Apon A Time...

    No Gallant knight.  You are the E v i l [Evil] dude.

    And then Gallant knight was a zombie.

    Hmm [^o)]


    Edit (Atchoo): Thread locked by request of Orakaius.

View as RSS news feed in XML