Chapter 1 - The Light.

It was a wonderful day. The the wind blew gently through the trees, bees were sitting on the flowers and the birds were whistling their song. A little boy was running through the grass with his dog as he threw a branch forth.

The boy was wearing an old brown and worn monk robe. The bottom of the robe was cut of and the sleeves were ragged.

Boy: Come here whisper! Let's go home it's getting dark outside!

His dog returned to the boy. The dog was pure white and had deep blue eyes his name was Whisper. As the boy was walking through the grass Whisper started barking running towards a place a few meters away. Suddenly Whisper stopped running and started to cry, he saw something. The boy saw it too, A bright white light was floating in the air like 3 meters high. It was beautiful, but it had something strange about it, something unimaginable. Something very very .

Boy: Come on Whisper let's go I don't think it's safe here.

Whisper followed the boy his tail between his legs and making frightened sounds. The boys watched behind his back. His breathing became irregular as he saw that the light was coming closer. For like 1 second it looked like he heard a strange whisper. But now the light was coming closer and closer and he was running slower the whisper wasn't an imagination, He vague heard a voice whispering his name: Keith, you're the chosen one come with me..

Keith runned as fast as he could. He managed to break off a branch from a tree he passed to protect himself, "Whoever you are you won't catch me..!" Keith said. His legs were bleeding because of the shrubs he runned through. Meanwhile; sunset was ended and the only source of light was the moon and the birght light. It was coming closer and closer, Keith started to run slower he was tired frightened and hypnotised by it's beauty. It won't be long.

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To be continued soon.

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I never forgive, I never forget.

A few things I noticed:

Unsnaggedpizza:

The dog was pure white and had deep blue eyes his name was Whisper.

Alright, the use of commas is important, because otherwise you're expecting the reader to put pauses in where you imagined them. I'm assuming you wanted a pause between 'blue eyes' and 'his name'? Because it all seems like one unbroken sentance at the moment.

Unsnaggedpizza:

 For like 1 second it looked like he heard a strange whisper.

Another thing I noticed, you write as if you're chatting on msn when you say 'like'. Even when the story is set in modern times you NEVER do this unless it is the person talking and he is from MODERN times. It's just the way it's done, like when you write an essay and  you can't use slang..

Otherwise, keep writing, because other than that and the first chapter being paced a bit roughly, it was ok.

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1 year on the forums and counting! Get it? Counting? Oh never mind...

Unsnaggedpizza:

Chapter 1 - The Light.

It was a wonderful day. The the wind blew gently through the trees, bees were sitting on the flowers and the birds were whistling their song. A little boy was running through the grass with his dog as he threw a branch forth.

The boy was wearing an old, brown and worn monk robe. The bottom of the robe was cut off and the sleeves were ragged.

Boy: Come here Whisper! Let's go home! It's getting dark outside!

The dog returned to the boy. The dog's coat was pure white and its eyes were a deep blue and his name was Whisper. As the boy was walking through the grass, Whisper start to bark and bolted to a place a few meters away. Suddenly, Whisper stopped running and started to cry. He saw something and the boy saw it too. A bright white light was floating in the air three meters high. It was beautiful but there was something strange about it. Something unimaginable. Something very, very sinister.

Boy: Come on Whisper. Let's go. I don't think it's safe here.

Whisper followed the boy, his tail between his legs and still crying. The boy looked over his shoulder and his breathing became quicker as he saw that the white light coming closer. For one second, it sounded like he heard a strange voice. The light was coming closer and closer and he started walking slower. The voice wasn't his imagination. He heard a vague voice whispering his name.

Strange Light: Keith, you're the chosen one. Come with me...

Keith started to run as fast as he could. He managed to break off a branch from a tree he passed to protect himself.

Keith: Whoever you are, you won't catch me..!"

His legs were scratched and bleeding because of the sharp shrubs he ran through. The sun was gone and the only source of light was the moon and the bright light. It was coming closer and closer. Keith started to slow down. He was tired, frightened and hypnotized by the strange light's beauty and it won't be long.

________________________________________________________________

To be continued soon.

Fixes in bold.

Mediocre story is mediocre.

You need to work on full stops. Commas and periods.

You need to work on your spelling and grammar. Runned is not a real word and "sunset was ended" does not work nor make sense.

No MSN speak, so don't say "like twenty feet in the air". Because it like, totally makes you look like a fool.

Actually spell out the number. Don't use 1, type out one.

Stick with one form of speaking. Don't go "Boy: Come here doggy!" and then switch to "Oh t3h no3s!" exclaimed the boy.

kit_103:

Mediocre story is mediocre.

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You sir, must improve your command of the english language! Your grammar is terrible, you use chat-speak and there aren't enough commas. first attempt, but next time, improve your grammar.

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Need Help? Message me on Xbox Live!
Spreading happiness one doll at a time.
~Official Doll Loaner~

I think we scared him off....

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1 year on the forums and counting! Get it? Counting? Oh never mind...

When you say the bottom of the robe was cut off, do you mean the whole skirt, or just to a certain legnth? But this is interesting, a light chasing a boy.

Is the light a wisp? Will it go into the ground and rise as a hollow man? If so, will the hollow man attack? Or will it speak? Is the undead soul that of a person Keith knew while he/she was alive?

Maybe the wisp will go inside him and speak to him. Maybe it will reveal Keith to be a descendant of the Necromancer. If this is true, what will Keith do with his newfound power?
Maybe he's not a necromancer, and maybe the wisp(friend, relative, or someone who was involved in one or some of the turning points in Old Kingdom history) is just there to guide him through his quest.

If it's a wisp, I would suggest you avoid calling it the soul of William Black. My suspicions are that he's still alive as Scythe. Read in the Silverlight application Tales of Albion if you don't know what I mean.

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Everything in that general direction must die!
--Eddie Riggs